I spent time yesterday (the sixth day of my retreat) praying with the post-Resurrection appearances of Jesus. The question I felt Jesus asking me, as Jesus invited Thomas to put his hands in Jesus’ wounds, was: what will it take for you to believe? I found that a strange question – I already believe. But Jesus said no, what will it take for you to really believe…to really believe at the deepest level that I and only I am the ground of your being…that I and only I am the source of all of your security….that you can let go completely and I’ll be there.
The image that came to mind is one that has been with me before – the image of clinging to a rockface. Back some years ago, when I was doing the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius, I felt like I was clinging with both hands and both feet and the question was whether I could let go of one hand or one foot, and only cling by the other three limbs. Yesterday I felt what Jesus was asking was: can you pry those last few fingers of that last hand away and put yourself completely in my hands?
I’m getting there…slowly.